1:2 When Ιn Balance
The Perfectionist (1) and Helper (2) can be a very balancing and symbiotic match combining the cool, rational thought and problem-solving abilities of the Perfectionist (1) with emotional warmth, empathy, helpfulness and genuine concern for others of the Helper (2). Both partners tend to direct their attention outwards, either towards improving the world or their environment or in offering help or assistance to others. With this outward focus, there can be a flavor of independence and autonomy in this dynamic. This can be a powerful, effective couple who can make a meaningful and lasting mark on their environment and the people in their social circles.
This pair shares a respect of each other’s core values. They feel interest around their differences and have shared vision of a harmonious future. Because they come at situations from very different perspectives, they can teach each other a lot. Perfectionist (1)s model logic, long-range thinking, rational thought and practical solutions. They show the Helper (2) how to set healthy boundaries and help disassociate from the emotional charge that often clouds the thinking of their Helper (2). They can offer sage advice, an alternative perspective and objectivity to their Helper (2). The Helper (2) brings warmth and a human touch to the often precise, mechanical thinking of their Perfectionist (1). They help show value of human relationships, emotions and interdependence.
Together, this couple combines compassion with discernment and cool logic with warm concern. When their values are aligned, and they are respectful of their differences, this couple uses their opposite habits of attention as a strength.
1:2 The Downward Spiral
The habit of attention of the Perfectionist (1) and the Helper (2) point in very different directions and if the two partners aren’t able to find balance that respects these differences, the downward spiral can begin. In a stressed or fixated state, the Perfectionist (1) becomes frustrated with the weak boundary setting of their Helper (2), and the Helper (2) becomes disappointed with disregard of the emotional world by the Perfectionist (1).
Perfectionist (1)s value efficiency and planning, rarely wanting to deviate from the predetermined course of action. The emotional world is minimized in exchange for mechanical, rational thinking. This thinking differs sharply with the Helper (2) who often values the satisfaction of others above their own. The feelings of other people factor largely into the Helper (2)’s thoughts and decision-making. They may be inclined to sacrifice their own happiness, or by extension the happiness of the partnership, to meet the needs of others. This triggers the Perfectionist (1) who feels this is unjust, unfair and wrong.
Both types may not be able to express their needs very clearly or directly, focusing on the difference in values instead of their own unmet needs. Instead of “I want more of your time” the Perfectionist (1) may say “I can’t believe you once again answered your boss’s email at midnight!” They may feel the Helper (2) is generous with their time and attention with everyone but the Perfectionist (1). And the Helper (2) may start to see the Perfectionist (1) as cold and uncompassionate. Instead of saying “I want you to speak from your heart and think of what it’s like for that person” the Helper (2) may say “I don’t care if we didn’t agree to spend it, we’re donating to that charity!”
If the downward spiral gains momentum, each person gets more frustrated with their partner. The Perfectionist (1) gets irritated and angry at the Helper (2)’s people-pleasing behavior. The Helper (2) gets fed up with the Perfectionist (1)’s criticism and rigid thinking. Arguments escalate, and anger intensifies. Both become disillusioned with the other. This continues until respect for one another is lost, and the relationship itself is threatened.
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