Sandy, Investigator (5) formerly married in a 6-year relationship with Marco, Investigator (5)
“People think I’m a robot underneath, but I’m really more like a nebula. I am always trying to understand the structure of my nature, but I know that the human suit I’ve been assigned to contextualize my shape is wrong. That feeling of discrepancy eats at me to the core. From a young age, I felt at odds with the people around me– my schoolmates, neighbors, and so forth. When I was really young, I’d climb up on the counter and push the medicine cabinet mirror towards the main one so they’d reflect each other infinitely, and I could contemplate eternity. When I started talking, I’d ask hypothetical question after question until my parents would give up and say they didn’t know the answer. While I wouldn’t say I’m more intelligent, I think my mind works differently that other people’s. At a young age, I started to understand that I wasn’t like everyone else, and this difference became more apparent in social functions. It was a great relief to find a partner who understood this feeling.
I really value Marco’s intellectual clarity, rational thinking, reason, kindness, compassion, spiritual awareness and his willingness to take others’ feelings into consideration. He is able to connect with the emotions of others and takes people’s needs and feelings seriously.
In our relationship, we shared a desire to create a secure home, to talk about our deeper selves and to protect each other’s needs. Both of us are extremely sensitive to energy drains and as such were equally vigilant in protecting our mutual need to escape back to our safe place. We traveled well together because we both understood the need for taking social events in small doses. Mostly, we just looked out for each other and didn’t need to explain or defend our needs over and over. For example, despite being together for years, we would never touch each other’s laptops or phones. That might seem odd to others, but I would never dream of it and would recoil if anyone ever touched mine. It would be like touching my liver! And I never had to have a conversation about this with Marco. We naturally understood each other. This was and is extremely important to both of us as we are not always the best at communicating our needs and feelings.
We illustrated that even though people might have similar wiring through a shared Enneagram habit of attention, we are all totally unique individuals. We had many differences and actually balanced each other out. I was more emotionally unaware and clumsy whereas he could keep in touch with the needs and feelings of people around him. I relied on this strength of his a lot. I was able to learn from him. Marco brought emotional understanding and compassion to our dynamic. He helped me understand and translate my own feelings when I was unable to. He creates a space for people to have their feelings heard and understood.
As it relates to issues in our relationship, they were as you might expect with two very similar people. It was too easy to fall into patterns based on mutual dysfunction. Both of us wanted to stay in and avoid the world. Both of us wanted to evade social responsibilities and experiences. Both of us wanted to give in to our anxieties. And there was no one to challenge us because we both wanted the same thing. We fell into this pattern of needing not to challenge the other for fear that they would challenge us back, make us face what we weren’t ready to face. My partner was all too willing to overlook my mental traps because if he didn’t, he would need to challenge his own, and vice versa. While we eventually split up as a couple, we have remained close friends and have a deep understanding and affection for each other.”
5:5 The Theory: Investigator (5) with Investigator (5)
When in Balance
Two Investigator (5)s feel a great sense of relief to have found each other. They may share an immediate, intense cerebral connection and as the Investigator (5) experience is generally to feel like an alien or an outsider, they may feel mindblown to have met someone like them. They generally share a deep and profound understanding of each other including the desire to be reclusive, the need for privacy and time alone, the strong sense of personal boundaries and the gravitation towards logical, rational thought.
Each partner gives the other a lot of personal space and makes few demands either individually or on the relationship. Both are independent and self-sufficient. Both are emotionally contained, intellectually curious and interested in a pursuit of knowledge. While familiarity may be established instantly, intimacy is developed more slowly with both partners careful to respect the boundaries of the other. While this relationship may look contained and even robotic to the outside world, Investigator (5)s can get very attached to their partners and this is no different in a double Investigator (5) couple. Affection may be expressed indirectly and connection may not require physical presence. This is a couple that feels bound to each other in an almost other worldly way beyond time and space. When in balance, this can make an intimate and intense match between kindred spirits.
The Downward Spiral
The very similarities that serve to bind this couple can also be what tears them apart. They can be too reclusive, too private, too independent and too distant from each other. In a fixated state with tightening defenses, Investigator (5) want more privacy and more time alone. With another Investigator (5), no one is likely to question this or make demands for time together. Without fully knowingly doing it, this couple can easily drift so far apart, the relationship is almost inexistent or occurs only in their heads.
It can be difficult for this couple to connect at an emotional or heart level. Without this connection, romantic and sexual energy may fizzle, leaving the partnership as one more closely resembling friends or roommates. They become like two unicycles side by side instead of a tandem bicycle. Two Investigator (5)s can also get in the trap of overly identifying with their intellect and becoming arrogant or competitive with each other. This further weakens the fragile bond of intimacy.
As the downward spiral gains momentum, both Investigator (5)s go deeper into their heads and isolation intensifies. This is a logical, rational couple so heated fights are unlikely. This couple may end their relationship in a simple, logical conversation with very little emotional expression.
Managing mutual blind spots and connecting on a deep, emotional level is key to reversing the downward spiral between this pair. Because this couple is so much in their heads, recognizing and honoring the energy of emotion can be difficult. For a healthy relationship, both partners need to push past their comfort zone. Because they share blind spots, they may need to rely on others to point these blind spots out.
The Kundalini Yoga connection
Investigator (5) have an exaggerated sense of scarcity and feel easily overwhelmed. Bright lights, loud music, big crowds and so forth can feel threatening. They question if they have enough energy (physical, emotional, mental) to do what is asked of them. Kundalini Yoga kriyas and meditations to build the immune system, nervous system and energetic field can be really helpful in making them feel more stable and powerful in their environment.
If you know your Enneagram type and the type of your partner (or ex-partner), please consider participating in my relationship survey! Message me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The book, The Nine Keys, will be out in 2018! This book contains 81 testimonials similar to the one above along with four Kundalini Yoga kriyas and meditations. To get on the pre-order listing, please email me at email@example.com.