Sandy, Investigator (5) formerly married in a 6-year relationship with Marco, Investigator (5)
“People think I’m a robot underneath, but I’m really more like a nebula. I am always trying to understand the structure of my nature, but I know that the human suit I’ve been assigned to contextualize my shape is wrong. That feeling of discrepancy eats at me to the core. From a young age, I felt at odds with the people around me– my schoolmates, neighbors, and so forth. When I was really young, I’d climb up on the counter and push the medicine cabinet mirror towards the main one so they’d reflect each other infinitely, and I could contemplate eternity. When I started talking, I’d ask hypothetical question after question until my parents would give up and say they didn’t know the answer. While I wouldn’t say I’m more intelligent, I think my mind works differently that other people’s. At a young age, I started to understand that I wasn’t like everyone else, and this difference became more apparent in social functions. It was a great relief to find a partner who understood this feeling.
I really value Marco’s intellectual clarity, rational thinking, reason, kindness, compassion, spiritual awareness and his willingness to take others’ feelings into consideration. He is able to connect with the emotions of others and takes people’s needs and feelings seriously.
In our relationship, we shared a desire to create a secure home, to talk about our deeper selves and to protect each other’s needs. Both of us are extremely sensitive to energy drains and as such were equally vigilant in protecting our mutual need to escape back to our safe place. We traveled well together because we both understood the need for taking social events in small doses. Mostly, we just looked out for each other and didn’t need to explain or defend our needs over and over. For example, despite being together for years, we would never touch each other’s laptops or phones. That might seem odd to others, but I would never dream of it and would recoil if anyone ever touched mine. It would be like touching my liver! And I never had to have a conversation about this with Marco. We naturally understood each other. This was and is extremely important to both of us as we are not always the best at communicating our needs and feelings.
We illustrated that even though people might have similar wiring through a shared Enneagram habit of attention, we are all totally unique individuals. We had many differences and actually balanced each other out. I was more emotionally unaware and clumsy whereas he could keep in touch with the needs and feelings of people around him. I relied on this strength of his a lot. I was able to learn from him. Marco brought emotional understanding and compassion to our dynamic. He helped me understand and translate my own feelings when I was unable to. He creates a space for people to have their feelings heard and understood.
As it relates to issues in our relationship, they were as you might expect with two very similar people. It was too easy to fall into patterns based on mutual dysfunction. Both of us wanted to stay in and avoid the world. Both of us wanted to evade social responsibilities and experiences. Both of us wanted to give in to our anxieties. And there was no one to challenge us because we both wanted the same thing. We fell into this pattern of needing not to challenge the other for fear that they would challenge us back, make us face what we weren’t ready to face. My partner was all too willing to overlook my mental traps because if he didn’t, he would need to challenge his own, and vice versa. While we eventually split up as a couple, we have remained close friends and have a deep understanding and affection for each other.”
5:5 The Theory: Investigator (5) with Investigator (5)
As with each same type relationship, two Investigator (5)s bring the same positive traits and blind spots to the relationship. This similarity is both the main attraction and the primary shortcoming. Two Investigator (5)s feel a familiarity and deep understanding of each other while neither partner may push the other outside their comfort zone to grow and change. At the same time, despite sharing a habit of attention, each person continues to be a totally unique individual, with his or her own personal history, particular DNA, special gifts and individualized life purpose. Same type couples still learn from each other but in a different way.
In some ways, Investigator (5)s feel they have found their ideal partner in another Investigator (5). Both are cerebral, intellectually stimulating, independent, respectful of personal boundaries, emotionally reserved, curious and interested in knowledge and learning,
Privacy, reclusiveness, security and allowances for personal time and space are hallmarks of this pair. Even if they share a living space, both usually maintain their own section of the house used as their private retreat. They may disclose personal information slowly and in a controlled way. They are careful not to drain the other or to place excessive demands on their partner’s time or energy. This can be a low demands, low expectations, low maintenance partnership.
At the same time, there is a mental richness that binds them together. They enjoy verbal sparring, analysis and discussion and can enjoy sharing their private time together, reading independently in the same room, pursuing their individual interests in shared space. And they usually feel a sense of relief that they don’t need to defend their need to be alone or for privacy, as their Investigator (5) partner already intimately understands this need.
The relationship is a delicate balance of independence and privacy coupled with intimacy and self-disclosure. Interestingly, while it might not be apparent from the outside, the Investigator (5)s can get very attached their partners, and this is no exception with two Investigator (5) as a couple. While the verbal intimacy might be minimal, there is an energetic and cerebral connection that is very real and can get surprisingly sticky and complicated. Once attached, the long periods of silence and distance between the two people can be contrasted by intense bursts of communication and intimacy. It can be as though an electric current is connecting them, even though there may be long periods of physical distance.
Challenges and Potential Issues
Because Investigator (5) are so cerebral and fact-oriented, they can over-intellectualize the relationship, relating from their minds and not from their hearts. The result is the entire emotional world can be minimized or avoided all together.
Their relationship can become compartmentalized to the extreme, like two independent circles with a small space of intersection. They can be secretive and withholding, feeling uncomfortable getting too involved with, and possibly engulfed by, the other. Because both partners share this concern, there can be a great distance between them as it relates to physical and emotional intimacy. As both partners tend to socialize in short bursts and with great deliberation, this can be a partnership characterized by isolation, both with the outside world and between each other.
Depending on the level of development and self awareness of each partner, two Investigator (5)s can also fall into the trap of being competitive and argumentative with each other wanting to achieve intellectual one-upmanship. Arrogance and disdain can develop eroding the already fragile intimacy shared by the couple. This deepens the cycle of isolation, pulling the couple further apart and increasing privacy and secrecy between the two.
If the cycle continues, any love and warmth shared between the pair deteriorates into indifference and detachment. While some intellectual respect may remain, the emotional connection is lost. The couple either drifts apart until the relationship wastes away completely or the couple consciously decides to end it, realizing no one’s needs are being met. The deterioration can leave one or both partners as eccentric recluses, cut off from the world around them and questioning the value of human relationships.
The Kundalini Yoga connection: Investigator (5) have an exaggerated sense of scarcity and feel easily overwhelmed. Bright lights, loud music, big crowds and so forth can feel threatening. They question if they have enough energy (physical, emotional, mental) to do what is asked of them. Kundalini Yoga kriyas and meditations to build the immune system, nervous system and energetic field can be really helpful in making them feel more stable and powerful in their environment.
For more information about Enneagram Type compatibility, please go to the Enneagram Institute’s Type Combinations.
If you know your Enneagram type and the type of your partner (or ex-partner), please consider participating in my relationship survey! Message me at email@example.com. These type combinations are particularly helpful to the survey.
The book, The Nine Keys, will be out in 2018! This book contains 81 testimonials similar to the one above along with four Kundalini Yoga kriyas and meditations. To get on the pre-order listing, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.